SWINGTOWN

My Observer Story, J-Kidd's New Babe, J-Ho's Old Excuse

Mike Fisher -- DB.com

SWINGTOWN: I venture off the sports beat with this Dallas Observer cover story on our town’s mushrooming sexual subculture of “swinging’’ – including a first-ever media visit to the notorious “Cherry Pit’’ – in “Swingtown.’’

No, smart guy, I didn’t do any “undercover’’ reporting on the sexually-charged tale. (Yuk-yuk.) But it is lengthy and it is overflowing with sex, money and politics – all the things that makes Dallas tick! Oh, and it’s really about quite a First Amendment tug-of-war. Hope you read it. Comment on it. And tell your friends.

MEET PORSCHLA!: Meanwhile, Jason Kidd prepares for another grueling NBA season as only he can: By bagging another supermodel. This would be Porschla Coleman. She is more than welcome to attend Mavs games. I will happily ask the likes of Sefko and Garcia to sacrifice their seats for her along press row.

WE’RE SECOND? I MEAN, WE’RE SECOND!: Our friends at Ball Don’t Lie at Yahoo have ranked the Mavs-related blogs/websites. And DallasBasketball.com is. … second-best?

By which I mean, “thanks!’’

Writes Ball Don’t Lie: These guys have been around forever, actin' all mainstream, asking smart questions, getting it right, covering the team properly. Ban 'em!

Props to Tim MacMahon at the DMNews for finishing first, to the kids at MavsMoneyball for finishing third, and to the rest of you losers for finishing tied for last.

JOSH’S LOSSES: Would Josh Howard be unraveling like this but for the death of his grandmother?

Or, for that matter, but for the trade of Devin? Or, for that matter, but for the role change thanks to the acquisition of Kidd? Or, for that matter, if they’d have never cancelled “Saved By The Bell’’?

Like I’ve stated in the past couple of days, Josh’s stupidity so greatly outweighs available excuses that not even a death in the family is an acceptable explanation anymore.

A tough year for Josh? Sure, relatively. But. …

It’s tough all over, eh?

1. When I was 25, my beloved Gramps died. He was as important to me as Josh’s grandparent was to him, I promise you. Additionally, right around that time, my parents got divorced.
2. When I was 12, my baby brother died in child birth. Additionally, I was starting up in eight grade in a new town. Oh, and my new girlfriend soon dumped me. … for my little brother.
3. I've been fired from a half-dozen jobs. I constantly wait for the other shoe to drop on Firing No. 7. That’s happened to me when I was a newlywed, it’s happened to me when I was closing on a house, it’s happened to me when my kid was sick. …
4. I've been divorced twice. And am still dealing with the collateral damage of both.
5. My sister has had multiple health scares. Serious ones.
6. My younger son has learning differences that present him (and me) with everyday challenges.
7. I'm trying to pay for private educations for both my kids. Pretty much by myself.
8. The Vikings never win Super Bowls.

9. Right now, the Vikings never even win regular-season games.

10. Didja hear about my Toyota Tundra probably being at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico?

And what would be the proper reaction to all this personal turmoil? Shall I:

a)      Get high?

b)      Drive 94?

c)      Publically diss the National Anthem?

I appreciate Mark Cuban’s approach here, I really do. Because it’s really the only realistic approach to take. Cuban tells the DMNews, “We will be going through some advanced communication-skill sessions together this training camp. I have explained to him that cellphone cameras are not your friend and that what you think you said on camera is never what people will hear when it shows up on YouTube or TV.  ... Josh really is a good guy with a great heart," Cuban said. "He just doesn't do a good job of showing that side of himself publicly. We will work on that.’’

Now, Tony Cubes knows damn well that this isn’t the fault of a “cellphone camera.’’ But what is he to do? Trade Josh? Fine Josh? Spank Josh?

As I have said all summer, the Mavs will be wise to get some serious counseling for Josh. I’m not just talking about media counseling; I mean counseling-counseling. Because while most of the rest of us are adhering to the old pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps mentality, Josh is saying he cannot do that.

Therefore, he needs help. Professional help. (And maybe a little “That’s Life’’ by Sinatra on the CD player, eh?) And until he gets it? He can go sell his tales of woe somewhere else. I’m all stocked up here.

911am sept 18 2008