'Laverne & Devean Make A Porno'

Lakers 114, Mavs 107: A Three-Act Play In Hollyweird

Mike Fisher -- DB.com

  A truly queer night in Hollyweird, where the Lakers go nearly foul-free, where the lights flickered off and on as if co-tenant Donald Sterling hadn’t paid his half of the electric bill, and where Devean George – whohasthreeLakerschampionshipringsandifyouhaven’theardjustaskhim – engaged in a sentimental flirtation with his former team and a full-out hot-mess makeout session with Penny Marshall.

   Penny gets her first on-screen kiss since 1976 when Laverne was doing Lenny, Squiggy and The Big Ragoo. Nice of Laverne & Devean Make A Porno on the side while the Mavs get their first loss in six outings. More about this truly queer 114-107 Friday night loss at LA, in the fitting form of a Three-Act Play:

   “If you look at the free-throw line, there's a big difference there,’’ the Mavs coach said while seeming to be scanning the stat sheet. “I can't remember the last time I saw an NBA team only commit eight fouls in 48 minutes, but maybe these guys are that good defensively.  It's a little hard to believe, but I'm not going to complain about the officiating, but I thought we played an aggressive game and we could have gone to the line a few more times.’’

   A few observations here:

   *Dallas at San Antonio, November 20, 1999. The Mavs were whistled for just five fouls. The Spurs shot just five free throws. That’s NBA-record stuff. So yes, with eight fouls on LA and with the Mavs going to the line just nine times, this was nearly historic.

   *I don’t agree with Carlisle that Dallas’ playing style was worthy of more benefit-of-the-doubt calls. It’s difficult to attempt 29 3-points in a game and at the same time claim to be “playing an aggressive game’’ inside.

   *Antoine Wright, Brandon Bass, JJB Barea and Jason Terry did an effective job getting to the basket. Dirk Nowitzki, despite his 19 points and 12 rebounds, did not.

   * Late in the game, Kobe stripped/molested Dirk and ended up with a steal and two FTs. Carlisle went nuts, earned a T, and Kobe made all three FTs. The Drama Queen gets the superstar call. Even against The UberMan. After watching this for decades, it’s hardly worth bitching about anymore.

   * To get to the hoop. … how about a solution provided by Josh Howard? Here’s hoping he returns real soon from the ankle injury that has sidelined him for four games. And here’s hoping Dirk is right when he analyzes J-Ho’s style and says, “We need Josh Howard back. It’s not rocket science. He’s developed into a great scorer for us. We need him back healthy, slicing and scoring.”

   Slicing and scoring. And keeping Dallas from attempting just nine FTs.

   ACT 2: Boom, Boom, Out Go The Lights – The Mavericks were in charge. Really. Dallas had a 78-67 lead with 3:48 left in the third quarter.

   Suddenly, though, LA flipped a switch. Trevor Ariza – in his own way almost as important to the Lakers as Kobe – energized a comeback that tied the score at 78-all near the end of the third.

And the moment LA tied the score. … the lights went out.

   Why? What happened? Is this another of Staples Center’s clever staging tricks? (The traditional look -- crowd sitting in semi-darkness while the lighting focuses on the court – is dramatic enough.) The Basketball Gods flipping their own switch, a wake-up switch, for the home team? Dr. Buss and Mr. Sterling improperly coordinating the monthly payment to Southern California Edison?

   It probably didn’t throw the Mavs off; maybe it was just me. But LA continued its comeback, Ariza and the Lakers subs upping their edge to 84-78 with 10:20 to play. The Mavericks finally scored a minute after that, but it was too late. Dallas had gone 6:37 without a basket and had allowed a 21-2 Lakers run.

   “That six- or seven-minute period, late-third/early-fourth, was our undoing,’’ Carlisle said.

   Yup. That’s when the lights went out.

   ACT 3: Laverne & Devean Make A Porno – The Mavericks can take away some positives from the loss. With two hard-fought meetings against the 13-1 Lakers – both seven-point losses – Dallas can claim it plays LA as tough as anybody. The Drama Queen labored for his 35 points. (The 35 is his season high, largely because Kobe rarely stays involved in Lakers blowouts long enough to score 30.) Dallas’ bench was terrific, with good efforts from ‘Gana Diop and Brandon Bass and eye-popping efforts from Jason Terry and JJ Barea. The Jet single-handedly kept the Mavs in this thing late, totaling 29 points as the sixth man. And JJB? With eight points and five assists in the first half, he was so good that Phil JackZen called two timeouts specifically to yell at Derek Fisher and Jordan Farmar, who were taking turns failing to cover the Puerto Rican waterbug. Oh, and at one point in the first half, the Mavs owned a 28-2 advantage in bench scoring.
   And finally, if the 7-8 Mavs top Sacto tonight, it’ll be a 1-1 road trip, six wins in seven outings, and a return home for a seven-game stand to open December.

   But. … I cannot let Friday night pass without commenting on the strange contributions from Devean George.

   Devean, what the hell was that?

   Devean jumped up in the rotation because he’s healthy, because J-Ho isn’t, because maybe Gerald Green isn’t (though it was strange that Gerald both started and finished but totaled just four minutes), because maybe Devean is viewed as a valuable and versatile piece here. But the Lakers’ comeback coincided exactly to when Devean (-17) replaced Antoine Wright (+12). Devean had no answer for Kobe, fumbled about on offense and played 20 ineffectual minutes

   But here’s the worst part of George’s night for me: He acted as if (via my TV screen) the whole thing was his own personal Homecoming Dance.

   Let’s see. After the game, Devean “visited the Laker locker room after the game to pal around with Luke Walton - and to get razzed further by Kobe.’’

    Before that, after the final buzzer, he is shown on TV walking off the court but waving (longingly?) back toward the opponent bench. The telecast cuts away, but then back again, and now Devean is involved in a giggly huddle with Kobe and other Lakers. Another cutaway and then. …

    Devean walks slowly to the baseline, where he is greeted by … Penny Marshall. The “Laverne & Shirley’’ actress, film director and Lakers fanatic kind of half-waves at Devean. He stops. They awkwardly shake hands. Then they hug. And then. …

   Devean bends over and shoves his face into Laverne’s cheek and neck. They are hugging and necking! It’s hot!

   The logical part of me knows this is completely innocent; George spent those years with the Lakers, so obviously they are friends. But the illogical part of me – the part of me that’s pissed because the Mavs lost, pissed the way I guess I wish Devean George was pissed – wonders whether Devean is going to run into the locker room, don a trenchcoat, grab a boom box, and go all Lloyd Dobler on Penny Marshall.

    Hollyweird.

    Listen, I know this is basketball, not war. In fact, it’s Thanksgiving. Brotherly love. We’re all in this together. The United Way, thanks to you, it’s working. And all that. But the Mavs are looking for any possible edge to close the gap between themselves and teams like the Lakers. The gap seems to be about seven points. The (illogical?) fan in me says maybe the Mavs – especially the ones that sometimes come across as “entitled’’ -- should concern themselves more with guarding the glitzy opponent than with huddling and hugging and razzing and necking with them.

1233pm nov 29 2008