Tuesday Morning Donuts

   Time to make the Tuesday morning donuts, a full baker’s dozen of ‘em: Lots of MVP candidate Dirk (including stats, his lil buddy JJB and … dinosaurs?), a pinch of Cowboys, Mike Leach’s vote and Mark Cuban as a cartoon. …

    DONUT 1: It’s Sunday night and we’re all sitting around “the sitting room’’ (made-up name for it) and reeling over the Cowboys loss and we’re jubilant over the Vikings win and because the channel’s been on Fox all day we’re wondering how we missed Visanthe’s naked dangling shiancoe on live TV and we’re waiting for “Family Guy’’ and my son says, “Dad, with him running his companies and running the Mavs and trying to buy the Cubs and having a family and being involved in the lawsuits and stuff, how does Mark Cuban also have time to be a character on “The Simpsons’’?

   Wait. … what?

    Sunday night’s episode of the classic prime-time cartoon (“classic’’ meaning that it’s terrifically good, no longer fresh, and less risqué and bawdy than “Family Guy’’) was called “The Burns and the Bees.’’ Lisa was raising bees, I guess, and was in conflict Mr. Burns, who was off to Billionaires Camp, or something.

   And there, at camp, the “campers’’ were doing what campers do: telling ghost stories. Only they, being billionaires, were telling ghost stories about the Securities and Exchange Commission.

   Rupert Murdoch was at the camp. So were Ted Turner, Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos. But most influential to Mr. Burns – craving publicity – was to own a basketball team. So he gets his wrinkled hands on the “Austin Celtics’’ and he moves them to Springfield and he emulates. …

   Mark Cuban.

   Cuban, drawn as if he always wears a Mavs jersey (not far from the truth!), becomes a role model to Montgomery T. Burns. I think I heard Cuban utter an immortal line:

   “Hold that thought,’’ Cuban said, pausing a conversation. “No one's paid attention to me for ten whole seconds.’’

    I paid attention, Tony Cubes. I eventually went back to my Vikings celebration and my Cowboys mourning and a “Family Guy’’ that turned out to be a rerun. But for way more than 10 whole seconds, I paid attention.

   DONUT 2: My mention of Dirk – twice in three weeks the Western Conference Player of the Week – as an MVP candidate? Call me a homer (not simpson) if you will. But it’s suddenly a hot topic. And I proudly believe I’m simply ahead of the zeitgeist.

   I’ve already coughed up loads of numerical stuff and anecdotal stuff that backs up my claim. But I’ll give you one hunk of info that reasonates:

   Dirk’s stats right now include a career-high19.4 shots per game and nine rebounds per game.

   Dirk’s stats in his MVP season of 2005-06: a career-high19.3 shots per game and nine rebounds per game.

   Just sayin’.

   DONUT 3: By the way, can we assume that the guy who finished second in the WC POW selection process was  Jose Juan Barea?

   I do know that JJB finished second in that Huggies Baby Race they do at halftime of games. (Just kiddin’, JJB.)

   DONUT 4: I'm having lunch today with Randy White, the Pro Football Hall-of-Famer. What does one feed a Manster?

   DONUT 5: Wade Phillips is now explaining his wardrobe in Pittsburgh: “My father got a deal from a friend of his. It's Gore-Tex. You know about Gore-Tex?’’ And he’s also detailing his plans for this week’s Giants-Cowboys game: I got news for you. I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest hit at the party.’’

   DONUT 6: Spurs-at-Mavs tonight. We’ll have The 6 O’Clock News live from the locker room in the hour before tipoff, and we’ve provide you your All-Access Pass throughout the evening. For now, consider the similarities: SA started 2-5, Dallas 2-7. SA has injury issues as it is just now getting Manu and Parker back, Dallas has injury issues that has coach Rick Carlisle sick of having to field J-Ho-related questions. SA has now won two in a row and seven of 10, Dallas has now won four in a row and nine of 10.

   There is one difference, of course.

   “We’ve got to understand,’’ Carlisle says, “the team coming in here is the ultimate in terms of experience and a championship pedigree.’’

   DONUT 7: You take a bed. Add an apple. Include a knife. And give it all to a star NBA rookie. Bloody mayhem ensues. 

   DONUT 8: I won’t get into any gory details here, except to say this: If you have stock in a newspaper company, you might want to go ahead and sell, sell, sell.

   DONUT 9: The T’Wolves become the latest NBA team to make a coaching change. I’ve got news for Washington, OKC, and now Minny: The coach ain’t the problem.

   Toronto, maybe. But not Washington, OKC and Minny. It’s not the coach.

   DONUT 10: So the Cotton Bowl will feature “The Only Team To Beat Florida vs. The Only Team To Beat Texas.’’ Cute. But in my conversations with a handful of Texas Tech students and supporters, they’re not real fired up about playing Mississippi State because they’re too busy wondering how Ohio State leapfrogged ‘em in bowl status.

   DONUT 11:  By the way: In the Coaches Poll, Mike Leach voted for his Red Raiders to be above Florida and Texas. Hey, before others can love you you must first love yourself.

   DONUT 12: Dallas is 11-8. I ain’t that good at math, but that means the 20-game mark is coming. … the traditional first-quarter turn in the NBA race. … and that means a report card is due. We’ll get right on it.

   DONUT 13: Dirk was on Ben & Skin’s radio show yesterday, and said he was busying himself in front of the TV, “watching three hours of Spurs tape. … no, just kiddin’. My little nephew is watching some dinosaur show, so I’m kinda watching it with him.’’

751am dec 9 2008