FISHTOON: 'Woodshed Jerry,' The Lipstick & The Pig

   * Continuity Woodshedder Jerry firing his special-teams coach.

   * Continuity Woodshedder Jerry firing his defensive coordinator.

   * Continuity Woodshedder Jerry allowing The Jason Garrett World Tour & Ye Olde Employment Faire.

   * Continuity Woodshedder Jerry confirming that Wade is staying … by letting him maybe bringing in old mentor Dan Reeves, the Cowboys legend who I happen to think very highly of but who, last time I checked, was so loyal to the late Tom Landry that he friggin’ hated Jerry.

   * Continuity Woodshedder Jerry unbuttoning his shirt down to Tierra Del Fuego to look cool while attending John Legend's after party.

   * Continuity Woodshedder Jerry releasing the cancerous Pacman Jones. … yet somehow leaving Pac with the impression that he might receive a return engagement at Valley Ranch.

   * Continuity Woodshedder Jerry overseeing a team so comfortable with its infamy that Terrell Owens is going to have a reality show on VH1.

   *Oh, that Cowboys receiver has a TV show? Then this Cowboys receiver must have a TV show! And so Continuity Woodshedder Jerry is endorsing Michael Irvin's new reality show on Spike TV … and promising not only a roster spot at Cowboys' training camp, but also promising to act as a reality-show judge.

   Presumably with his judge robe unbuttoned way down.

   *Oh, Irvin’s matching Owens? Fine. Then I, Terrell Owens, will see you and raise you, Michael Irvin, by hosting a Super Bowl party for GQ magazine. Continuity Woodshedder Jerry, care to loan him a shirt?

        *And that after T.O. went to a film festival to party with Paris Hilton. The Woodshed Film Festival, I believe it was, in Woodshed, Utah.

    * Continuity Woodshedder Jerry woodshedding so furiously that rookie Martellus Bennett was frightened. … and therefore feels comfortable creating just one YouTube rap in some uncomfortably coarse ways. You know, instead of coming out with a whole five-CD series of racist, sexist, homophobic garbage.

   *Continuity Woodshedder Jerry’s organization ordering “Marty B TV’’ to apologize for the YouTube rap. Which Bennett has done. Insincerely. With another YouTube rap. 

   * Continuity Woodshedder Jerry has another Cowboys kid, Anthony Spencer, who wanted to be in charge of a bar. Even after police told him not to. Arrest was forthcoming. Apology is not forthcoming.

   * Continuity Woodshedder Jerry continuing to be unable to plug leaks, designate spokesmen and harness team leadership, leaving that decision-making to … I guess, Patrick Crayton.

    * Continuity Woodshedder Jerry continuing, in very subtle ways that have yet to come to light, to allow the self-serving Deion Sanders to act as an unofficial assistant GM around here.

   *Continuity Woodshedder Jerry hoping that Hall-of-Famer Irvin’s story about talking a couple of would-be carjackers out of their life of crime ends up being somewhere close to true.

    *Continuing Woodshedder Jerry hearing another of his team captains, Greg Ellis, bitching about money and leadership and money. 

   * Continuity Woodshedder Jerry’s insisting that Tony Romo focus more and keep his relationship out of the limelight resulting in Jessica being all over the news and resulting in a Romo angle that I’m keeping in my pocket right now until I can confirm it all.

   * Continuity Woodshedder Jerry making sure his lawyers keep control. Of a flag. Designed in blue-and-silver. And therefore somehow an infringement on the rights of a football team that happens to have uniforms of that color. Because, you see, making sure somebody isn’t selling blue-and-silver flags is much more important that handing a disconnected coaching staff, controlling the foolish reality shows, instructing your arrogant rookies, managing the incompetent managers, plugging the selfish leaks, offending your precious players or keeping your damn shirt buttoned up to cover your damn 66-year-old chest. 

     I’ve been painted a Jerry Jones apologist for almost 20 years. (Remember Mike Fisher “The Back-Pocket Boy’’ on radio?) It is no secret that Mr. Jones has always done right by me and that I consider him a friend. Meanwhile, I’ve generally dismissed the notion of “distractions’’ and “circus atmosphere’’ in part because every franchise, every company, every family, has its peacocks and its quirks and its goofballs. I’ve also generally dismissed the “image’’ issue because in the early-and-mid-90’s, this franchise had many of the same distractions and much of the same atmosphere and it was really part of the package and part of the fun.

    But now? This package isn’t fun.

    The only thing “continuous’’ is the mediocrity and the only thing “woodshed’’ about it all is that if you happen to have a woodshed out on your property and you happen to paint it blue and silver, Continuity Woodshedder Jerry will sic his lawyers on you.

   Jerry has long talked of the importance of the Cowboys “profile.’’ It’s been a sort of “as-long-as-they-spell-our-name-right’’ approach. Along with that, he’s talked about the important of the Cowboys “brand.’’

   At this moment, the profile is high.

   But the brand is not.

   To hell with the Woodshedder. This bunch ought to be thrown in the woodchipper.

931pm jan 30 2009