Who's Your Daddy?

   “Chastity’’ and “parenthood.’’ Cristal Taylor would have us believe she knows something about both. But on both subjects, I prefer the expertise of Mrs. Fisher. Mom gave birth to seven children (as far as she knows! Ha!) but then divorced after 25 years of marriage. That was 25 years ago and … let me phrase this with subtlety … she has not “dated’’ since, if you get my meaning. This week, at age 70, Mom sent me the obit she wishes to run in the newspaper.

    “I want you to make sure they include what I died of,’’ Mom said dryly, “even if it’s an STD.’’

    Mom had what some people think is too many kids, divorced in violation of church doctrine, and is telling morbid sex jokes. All of which keeps me from being too judgmental in the “Dirk’s Broken Cristal’’ story – so much so that I thought I might remind sports fans that him being an athlete involved in such a situation places him on an impressive depth chart.

   It happens with regularity – “alarming regularity,’’ if you are the more judgmental type.

   It happened to Dwight Howard – who entered the league talking about Christian values and Biblical vows and waiting-for-marriage stuff – and a year later had himself a baby. The mother? An Orlando Magic dancer, of course. Marshall Faulk is a machine in this area, with six kids by three different women. Hakeem Olajuwon was involved in a paternity suit. And if we’re simply talking about children out of wedlock? Matt Leinart, Tom Brady, Antawn Jamison, Marvin Harrison, NBA coach Eddie Jordan, Peja Stojakovic, Dr. J. …

   What do all those guys have in common? Howard, Faulk, Brady, Peja, Dr. J? They’re all considered “good guys,’’ with good reps. … who still apparently enjoy sex.

    And might be wonderful parents, of course.

    I did a quick search of “pro athletes,’’ “out-of-wedlock children’’ and “paternity suits.’’ It produced a star-studded list of some of the greatest American athletes of the last 20 years who have fathered children out of wedlock at either a rather high rate or in a way that resulted in a paternity suit. This is just a very shallow sampling, again, focusing on headline-grabbing stuff. Ready?

 QUANTITY SHOOTERS

   *NFL, Ray Lewis (six kids by four women)

   * NBA, Larry Johnson (five children by four women)

   * NBA, Latrell Sprewell (three kids by three women before his 21^st birthday)

   * NFL, Darren McFadden (three illegitimate kids in four years of high school and college)
   * Boxing, Evander Holyfield: He has 9 illegitimate kids)

   * NBA, Jason Caffey: (eight illegitimate kids by seven women)

   *NFL, Marshall Faulk (six kids by three women)

   *NFL, Charles Rogers: (five illegitimate kids)
   * NFL, Santonio Holmes: (three kids while in college)

   * NBA, Stephon Marbury, (two illegitimate children)

   *NBA, Juwan Howard (three kids by three different mothers)

   *NBA, Shawn Kemp (twelve children from different mothers)

   *NFL, Derrick Thomas (seven kids by different women)

    *NFL, Willis McGahee (three children out of wedlock in two years)

   *MLB, Vlad Guerrero (four kids by four women)

   *NBA, Mike Bibby (two children while in college)

   *NFL, Shannon Sharpe (three children out of wedlock)

   *NFL, Chad Johnson (three children out of wedlock)

   *NFL, Ricky Williams (three children out of wedlock)

   *NBA, Willie Anderson (nine kids out of wedlock)

   *NBA, Calvin Murphy (nine women, 14 children)

   *NBA, Julius Erving (two children by two women)

ON THE COURT, IN THE COURT

   *MLB, Pete Rose (paternity suit)

   *NBA, Larry Bird (paternity suit)

   *Boxing, Oscar de la Hoya (paternity suit)

   *NHL, Mark Messier (paternity suit)

   *NBA, Patrick Ewing (paternity suit)

   *MLB, Jim Palmer (paternity suit)

   *MLB, Juan Gonzalez (paternity suit)

   *MLB, Steve Garvey (paternity suit)

   *NBA, Hakeem Olajuwon (paternity suit)

   *NBA, Gary Payton (paternity suit)

   *NBA, Scottie Pippen (paternity suit)

   *NBA, Isiah Thomas (paternity suit)

   *NBA, Allen Iverson (paternity suit)

   *NFL, Travis Henry (nine children in eight years)

    *NFL, Rae Carruth (fathered an illegitimate kid before the incident where he had his pregnant girlfriend gunned down)

    And then, finally, a sampling of men who’ve fathered children without the benefit of marriage:

GOOD OL’-FASHIONED OUT-OF-WEDLOCK

    *NBA, Dwight Howard
    *NBA, Walter Herrmann
    *NBA, Peja Stojakovic
    *NBA, coach Eddie Jordan
    *NHL, Daniel Alfredsson
    *NHL player Richard Zednik
    *NBA, Mike Miller
    *NFL, Marvin Harrison
    *NBA, Tracy McGrady
    *MLB, Darryl Strawberry
    *NFL, Matt Leinart

    *NFL, Tom Brady
     *NBA, Antawn Jamison
     *MLB, Chipper Jones
    *NBA, DeShawn Stevenson
    *MLB, Cliff Floyd
     *NFL, Brian Urlacher

     *NFL, Andre Rison
     *MLB, David Justice
     *MLB, Andruw Jones
     *NFL, Alonzo Spellman
     *NFL, Dave Meggett
     *NBA, Gary Payton
     *MLB, Randy Johnson

   Oh, and Jason Kidd and Josh Howard fit somewhere in there, too.

   And remember, this is just a sampling. It’s everywhere in pro sports (and apparently, amateur sports, too) and it’s everywhere in America. The latest numbers? A full 40 percent of American babies are born out of wedlock. And if you think it’s just a class thing, a money thing or a race thing, you haven’t met Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston … Palin.

   My only judgment: If only due to logistics, it figures to be extremely difficult to serve as what I consider a proper parent to multiple children being raised in different homes in various cities, states and regions.

    But otherwise? To each his own.

    Hey, my mom’s life choices in the areas of “chastity’’ and “parenthood’’ aren’t for everybody. Nor are those of the aforementioned jock dads. Nor, maybe, are Dirk Nowitzki’s. But let me reiterate that if Cristal Taylor is really pregnant with Dirk’s baby, this needn’t be a “crisis.’’ Dirk can just be another sports parent, hopefully better than some of his jock brothers. And if he’s lucky, half as good as Mrs. Fisher.