Barkley For GM! A Great Idea (As Soon As The NBA Creates The 4-Hour Work Week)

  Charles Barkley wants to be a fireman! No, a governor! No, a juggler! No, an NBA GM!

   “It’s time for me to be a general manager,’’ Barkley says. “I want my chance to fail, just like everybody else.’’

    Well, I disagree with the first part of that statement. But Charles is on the right track with the second part of that statement.

    Should we take this seriously for just a moment?

    The lovable Barkley would be the least-hardest-working GM in sports history. There are others who've had that sort of job who are less qualified (the ex-sportswriter running the T’Wolves comes to mind), but from what I am told – even by people close to Chuck -- there is probably no “basketball person’’ in the world who actually watches less basketball than Charles Barkley.

     Barkley as a GM would be a moderate success in one area: he would sell some tickets, at least in the short-term. But it wouldn’t win games.

   Another angle: There is this personality quirk that causes some of the great ones, like Barkley, to think of being a pro GM the same way a little kid thinks of being the aforementioned fireman. Or astronaut. (Seriously, I thought Barkley was going to become Governor?) Shaq is like this; he’s a cop, a singer, an actor. ... he has no talent for any of those jobs, but his mass and his celebrity is such that those around him are scared to tell him the truth. Herschel Walker was like that, too, with dreams – and semi-efforts – to be everything from a ballet dancer to an FBI agent.

    At some point, reality bites in … you can’t be a ballet dancer AND an FBI agent, you know?

    And a third angle: There is little in the story to suggest that this is an attention-getting ploy.

    But it IS an attention-getting ploy, a page stolen from Bill Simmons, which is a page stolen from Howard Stern, which is a page stolen from Pat Paulsen.

    In his heart-of-hearts, friend-of-DB.com Simmons knows if some team every really put him in charge, he would be completely overwhelmed, and left with only a single-season’s-worth of some funny stories to turn into a funny book.

    Barkley probably doesn’t know that about himself, but he does know that he has no real interest in 80-hour work weeks.

    Now, if I’m wrong. …

    If Barkley himself were to take his own idea seriously, he would give up TV (he says in the interview that he’s ready for a challenge beyond his eight seasons at TNT) and go to work as some team’s “assistant director of scouting.’’ That’s how you actually do the actual job. You get on a plane and go scout. You sit in a dark film room and you listen. You show up at practice and you teach. You make tedious phone calls and you do tedious paperwork and you file tedious reports. … you start at the bottom. … and you LOVE it.

    Or he’d use his celebrity and personality to take a job as some team’s “assistant director of ticket sales.’’ That’s how you actually do the actual job. You learn business, you calculate numbers, you meet clients. … you start at the bottom … and you LOVE it.

    As soon as Charles signs on with the Hawks or the Sixers or the Suns – or better yet, with a D-League team at no salary – to serve as “assistant director of scouting’’ or “assistant marketing director’’ – you let me know.

    In the meantime, I feel comfortable in the knowledge that Charles Barkley will stay where he belongs: Putting in cushy hours at outrageous wages on right around the corner from the Craft Services Table the TNT set. That’s where I will watch him.

    Which, I think, is probably the entire point of Charles’ announced aspirations.