Friday Mavs Donuts: Dirk The Only Man To Do ... This

Friday Morning Donuts: LeBron’s 40 time, the struggling Spurs, Damp visits Dr. House, the suddenly-sane Knicks, the sadly-sickly Nets, and Dirk as the only player in NBA history to do this. … Enjoy!

   DONUT 1: The UberMan is ranked in the top 100 all-time in the categories of 3-point field-goal shooting, free throws made, free-throw percentage, rebounds, blocks, points, poins per game, rebounds her game, PER and turnover percentage.

   Not bad, eh?

   There is more. Check it: The UberMan is the only player in history who ranks in the top 100 all-time in those categories.

    This season, he’s at 27.5 points, 9.3 rebounds, 1.08 steals and 1.58 blocks. He’s got 40-point games and 29-point quarters and his team is 9-3 and the “M-V-P!’’ chants you will hear tonight at the AAC are dead-on.

   DONUT 2: Nothing life-threatening or otherwise serious on Erick Dampier  ... but still a bit of a mystery, eh? I mean, what is this, “House’’?

    Here’s the only crack in the case I can find so far: Mark Cuban told reporters on Thursday that it truly is an as-yet-undiagnosed problem and that Damp won’t be cleared to play until they pin down exactly what is up.

    Get on this, Dr. House.

   DONUT 3: Allen Iverson to the Knicks? Breaking news this morning: Nope.

   Why not? Because maybe they realized that Stephon Marbury already fully satisfied NY’s obligation to employ a washed-up, selfish egomaniac?  

    DONUT 4: I’m going to say that Tim Duncan is a bit of a dink. Oh, he’s a dink I wish I had on my team, but still … his reputation as a silent, squeaky-clean gent took a beating with me in Thursday’s Mavs OT win over Timmy’s Spurs thanks to two incidents – both of them dink moves:

    *He swears. Plenty. Once, when he was whistled for a foul, he could be heard by kids and God and everybody as he went Palms-Up and screamed, “I didn’t f-----in’ touch him!’’ C’mon, Timmy. Think of the children.

    Dink.

    *Following a timeout, as the Mavs were re-taking the floor late in the game, Jason Terry called the five active Mavs together for a huddle. Jet looks up and, hey, there are six guys in this huddle! And that’s because Duncan had crashed the private party to get a listen on Dallas’ secret plans.

    Dink.

    I wonder if it distressed the interloper to hear that Dallas’ secret plans were to make sure he went scoreless in the OT?

   DONUT 5: The Nets still cannot win … and check out this boxscore for all the ca-razy DNPs! Hey, you can’t be a better point guard than the ironman Jason Kidd if you never play, you know.

   DONUT 6: OK, here’s my last argument against the butt-kissing Belichick apologists supporting the Patriots coach’s arrogant fourth-and-2 go-for-it call: If it’s such a good idea to go for it on fourth-and-2 at the end of a game, when it is do-or-die, it must be an even better idea to do it in the first quarter and the second quarter and all the time.

    “Hey, we only needed two yards!’’ say Belichick’s faithful.

    Fine. You win. I’ll be watching Sunday when the Patriots play the Jets, excitedly anticipating no punts from Belichick.

   DONUT 7: Don’t forget, every Saturday at 10 a.m. it’s “Mavs Magazine’’ hosted by Mike Fisher (that’s me!) on the Mavs’ flagship station, 103.3 ESPN Radio!

   DONUT 8: There’s one on every street corner, on every loading dock, in every saloon.

   “I coulda played in the NFL,’’ they all claim.

    Along comes no less than Lebron James making the same claim ... and this isn’t for a State Farm commercial. ... this claim seems real.

    At least as real as the guy on the loading dock.

    Ready for some shootdowns?

    *James was a superstar football player in high school. He was a receiver, and clearly he had marvelous skills, most of which are in evidence on the basketball court. But virtually every guy in the NFL was a superstar in high school. Furthermore – and I’ve used this illustration before – the best high-school receiver/college-prospect receiver in the NBA isn’t LeBron. He was not even close to what Matt Barnes was.

    Now, Matt Barnes really could go play in the NFL. But based on what we know about his athleticism in comparison to the other outstanding jocks around him, and based on what we know about Matt, you really think Matt Barnes would go dominate in a league more than Reggie Wayne and Randy Moss do? You really think Matt Barnes would be better than even Michael Crabtree or Braylon Edwards or Sidney Rice, three guys with terrific size (like Barnes) who are just “good’’ NFL players?

    *LeBron’s height wouldn’t necessarily be as much of an asset as people think in football. All that length sometimes makes it easier for a defender – who weighs at least as much as James does but packs his bulk into a 6-4 speedball – to cut a tall drink of water in half.

    *I can certainly see LeBron, at 6-8 and 265, putting on 40 pounds of NFL muscle and being a 6-8 defensive end. Or heck, put on 60 and be a left tackle!

     But I believe LeBron is thinking of something fancier than that, don’t you? But is it really that easy to flip sports like Antonio Gates and Tony Gonzalez have done? Or is the fact we know their stories proof of how rare their accomplishments are?

     *And finally, to a real live NFL player who thinks this is as ridiculous as I do. Jeremy Shockey of the Saints doesn’t just talk about being an NFL pass-catcher; he really is one. He is 6-5 and 255. When Shockey was in high school, he was a four-time letterman on the football team and made the All-State as a receiver and as a punt returner.

   And here’s what JeremyShockey is tweeing about LeBron and the media hype about James as a footballer:

 “He could not play in the NFL! espn is crazy to even think he could even make a practice squad. He’s a 4.9 40 time.’’ Shockey is exaggerating for effect (I hope). There were reports of LeBron running a 4.4 40 at one time, and there is this report from a college coach who says LeBron runs baseline-to-baseline as fast as any player in the NBA.

   I have first-hand knowledge of exactly what a 4.9 40 looks like. Nate was the third-best tight end in Texas District 6-5A, which some think is the toughest football conference in the country. The two tight ends ahead of him were given full-ride scholarships to OU and Boise State, respectively. The biggest difference between Nate and those two studs? Nate runs a 4.9 40.

   Son, I love you. But LeBron James is faster than you!

   The biggest point here, I think, is that there is a vast chasm between “I coulda done it’’ and “doing it.’’ Shockey and about 1,500 men are in a very exclusive club. It’s a club in which James is not a member. It is sort of funny and entertaining for all of us to play with the idea ... kind of like Napolean Dynamite’s Uncle Rico, who wants to bet he “can throw a football over them mountains. ... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.’’

    DONUT 9: Josh Howard isn’t ready to play. But he’s still going to mix and mingle with fans as he will sign autographs at Academy Sports & Outdoors on Saturday from 4-6 p.m. Howard will sign from 5-6 p.m. J-Ho will be at the store at 8050 Forest Lane in Dallas.

    While he’s at Academy Sports, I hope he buys him some rehab aspirin and some rubbin’  dirt. Get healthy, kid!

    DONUT 10: The Hornets’ new “Mardi Gras’’ uniforms? Ick. But they do provide Skeets with a chance for a clean, quick line: “The busy uniforms will be worn annually during the Mardi Gras and feature many designs inspired by the beautiful city of N'awlins and the Carnival tradition. They also smell like gin.’’ 

    DONUT 11: The Spurs have announced that Ginobili will miss the next week to 10 days but that an MRI shows his new groin strain caused no structural damage. (Bat rabies?) And Tony Longoria is still in street clothes. Meanwhile, the Spurs lost last night to Utah for the first time since Brigham Young had just one wife.

    DONUT 12: A very fine piece of “oral history’’ of Dirk in Dallas by D Mag. 

    DONUT 13: I’m Blogging the Boys with a one-on-one visit with Daryl Johnston. What does Moose think of the Cowboys’ chances, the use of the Shotgun and the Dallas-Redskins rivalry? Read about it all, exclusively, with some Fish on Football!