NORMAN, Okla. -- Even at 70, the controversial Barry Switzer remains a roguish alpha male.  We go one-0n-one with one of our all-time favorite rascals. …

The legendary coach – “legendary,’’ anyway, to fans who appreciate his three national titles at Oklahoma and his Super Bowl win with the Cowboys – still talks without a filter and charms without an effort while serving as an unofficial ambassador for his favorite school, the state of Oklahoma and football in general.

That’s why FOX included Switzer on its studio show last year, pairing him as a “Grumpy Old Man’’ with long-time friend/nemesis Jimmy Johnson. But Switzer told me on Friday that while the network is still negotiating with him about a role, FOX may replace him on its totem pole with another legendary name.

“Well, they’re talking to Favre,’’ said Switzer as we both attended OU’s Honorary Degree luncheon on the school’s campus. “I still think they want me involved in some way. But with Brett. … they might pair him in a segment with (Terry) Bradshaw, I don’t know. … It’s a lot of fun for me, but there’s only so much time (available) on that show. And, hey, he’s Brett Favre!’’

A Packer beating out a Cowboy? That’s a rare occurrence. But don’t weep for Switzer; he has carved out for himself an incredible life, his “Bucket List’’ likely completed long ago. He and Becky, a celebrity in her own right as OU’s long-time gymnastics coach, own a gorgeous home within walking distance of Memorial Stadium. Beyond his financial successes in football – “Jerry was pretty generous to me, you might remember,’’ he chuckled -- Switzer is involved in various businesses, including diagnostic imaging centers, oil-and-gas development, real estate and radio.

“Basically,’’ he laughed, “I’m self-employed.’’

Switzer said he has fond memories of his time with the Cowboys, but rarely makes the trip south to Dallas anymore. He was at the team’s recent minicamp at Valley Ranch, where he told reporters that Jones had offered him a job, “But four years of his b.s. is enough.’’

No, Oklahoma is his place, Oklahomans his people. There’s no security gate in front of his home. There are no bodyguards. His name graces one of the buildings on campus. The problems the football program had its notorious problems under his watch; maybe lessons have been learned. These folks view his legacy, though, as the Sooners’ three national championships (1974, 1975, 1985) and his incredible record of 157-2-4.

Despite his 45-26 record over four seasons with the Cowboys, some in Dallas don’t have the same fond recollections, but again, for the record, he is one of just two men to win a college national title and a Super Bowl. The other, of course, is Jimmy.

Despite his age and what he would unabashedly admit was a honky-tonk’ing lifestyle, Switzer appears to have little wear-and-tear on him; might his omnipresent red wine be a fountain of youth? He’s fit, still built like a bull, and appears only to be enduring that ever-present stiff neck. (If you ever approach him, do so from his left; he can’t turn his head to the right.)

“She doesn’t have to wheel me around, not yet,’’ Barry said, nodding toward his wife.

And then he handed me his business card.

“I got my first business cards printed up just two years ago; I never had ‘em before that,’’ he said, and of course, the guileless Switzer has included on his card his personal email address and cell phone number. Also on the card: An “OU’’ logo and the Cowboys’ star.

“When you see Jerry,’’ Switzer concluded, “tell him I used the star. I didn’t even ask permission. But I figure I got that much coming to me, right?’’

455pm may 9 2008

   My hairy-chested takes begin with a fistful of NBA Coaching Carousel facts of which, frankly, readers of DB.com are already well aware.

   ITEM: 1. Carlisle-to-Mavs will be done when his agent gets here. 2. The Suns will part ways with D’Antoni, who will go to Chicago. 3. Phoenix has no interest in Avery, who is interviewing with the Knicks, who are 4. nevertheless all-but locked into Mark Jackson. 5. Flip Saunders could get bumped from Detroit if the Pistons win big, in which case 5. Dallas will experience some Rick Remorse. 6. JVG really isn’t going to coach, 7. Sam Vincent and 8. Eddie Jordan should feel a little itchy, and 9. Tom Thibodeau will still get an interview somewhere.

   Those nine stories are all making the rounds as of Wednesday morning. I note will all due humility (translation: none) that DallasBasketball.com readers were already aware of each of those NBA Coaching Carousel facts five and six days ago.

   Where is my raise, dammit!?

   ITEM: I don’t have permission to reveal much yet; the two players’ agents want to pick through my conversations with the guys before we go ahead and write it. So I’ll just tease you a little bit:
   There is no shortage of superstar NFL defensive linemen that would like to leave their present clubs to become Cowboys. One of the two guys is not a perfect fit because he’s a 4-3 guy. The other one, though, is to die for. And he’d just about die to be in Dallas.

   Stay tuned.
   ITEM: “Triangle of Trust’’ seems to be catching on. T-shirts, anybody?

   ITEM: My skillionth effort to prove to you that Jerry Jones is a genius: Hanging around this weekend’s rookie minicamp at Valley Ranch: Emmitt Smith to advise running backs; Roger Staubach to comment on some kids’ character; Barry Switzer to tap the keg.
   Jerry knows how to throw a minicamp! They were a few speakers and Snoop Dogg away from Mitch-a-palooza.
   ITEM: I say this as a mediot long viewed as a defender of Cowboys misbehavior: Marvin Harrison may be Exhibit 1,900,765 of how you can’t always easily define a “good guy’’ vs. a “bad guy.’’
   ITEM: He’s a good dude, so I’m really happy for Marty Turco. But with the nemesis Red Wings on the horizon, I’m prepared to be really sad for Marty Turco.

   ITEM: Your reaction to the news about backup QB Richard Bartel’s weight change reveals whether you are a glass-is-half-empty Cowboys fan or a glass-is-half-full Cowboys fan. Bartel has dropped 30 pounds since last season?
   a) Wow! What a hard worker! He must’ve really spent a lot of time tailoring his body to the needs of the team!
   b) Bartel weights 230 now. He lost 30 pounds. Wow. … last year he must’ve looked like John Daly with his shirt off.
   ITEM: Dave Campo is back. … and so is HBO’s Hard Knocks.
   Coincidence?
   ITEM: Frequent readers will understand the magnitude of this, me being the guy who has spent a decade referring to the man almost exclusively as “The Drama Queen’’: Kobe in an MVP landslide feels fine to me.

   ITEM: Maybe if Roger Clemens conducts JUST ONE MORE INTERVIEW, he can finally talk his way out of this mess. Talk some more, Rog. Douche.

   ITEM: Jerry on Felix: “He's got one of those nice bubble butts.’’
   We all know exactly what it means. But just like the cheerleaders being “the pick of the litter,’’ and just like Aikman “looks good in the shower,’’ … well. … you can take the boy out of Arkansas insurance sales, but you can’t take the Arkansas insurance sales out of the boy.
   ITEM: Here’s the tentative schedule for Dallas Cowboys OTAs and the minicamp:
   May 20, 21 and 22 OTAs (5/21 tentatively scheduled for media access)
   May 27, 28 and 29 OTAs (5/28 tentatively scheduled for media access)
   June 3, 4 and 5 OTAs (6/4 tentatively scheduled for media access)
   June 10, 11 and 12 OTAs (6/11 tentatively scheduled for media access)
   June 17, 18 and 19 Minicamp (open to the media)
   ITEM: Why can’t David West keep his hands away from other men’s faces?

   ITEM: Romessica might be engaged.  But for sure, she’s writing a love song about him. Awwww. I’m getting more and more comfortable with all this as we progress steadily to the aisle. But I can’t help but think it’s a puppy love. … that she spends her days drawing pink hearts next to practiced “Jessica Romo’’ autographs.

   ITEM: “Yes’’ on “Iron Man.’’
   ITEM: Emmitt on MB3: "I think he spends a lot of energy that may not be necessary. I’m all about putting your heart into it. But you’re doing a lot of kicking, running up, bucking and you’re exerting a lot of energy. We need you for four quarters – and I’m going to say ‘we’ because I’m a Cowboy, too: We need you for four quarters. If Marion has to carry the load for four quarters, there’s no way he can handle it.’’
   Good stuff. Of course, Emmitt, that’s one “leopard who can’t change his stripes.’’
   Maybe we should work on another Cowboy’s style. Here’s Emmitt on Pacman: As long as you're not killing anybody, getting anybody shot at and going to jail, then I don't have any issues."
   Now, that seems a tad more realistic.

740am may 7 2008

As the boys on DB.com Boards point out, Holger Geschwindner is Obi Wan Kenobi. Or maybe Yoda; my Star Wars organizational chart is all in knots. My German isn’t much better, so The 75-Member Staff (especially those based on Dirk’s homeland) are invaluable in translating a fresh interview from Holger regarding the Mavs and his prized pupil, Dirk Nowitzki.

And this much I know: Whatever Holger is, whatever the Mavs are. … Dirk is a Jedi Knight.

Here, you get the ‘Q,’ you get the ‘A,’ and you get the ‘Fish’:

Q: Mr. Geschwindner, were you surprised by the first round exit of the Mavs?
A: Not surprised, but it could have been prevented if Nowitzkis teammates would have performed, too.

FISH: Ouch. This is true enough; I might say that the planned No. 1 guy on the Mavs totem pole (Dirk) was fine. And that the planned No. 9 guy on the Mavs totem pole (Bass) was fine. It was just spots 2-though-8 who goofed.

Still. … ouch. This is as close as Holger comes in this interview to taking a real shot at anybody. Unnecessarily, I say.

Q: Did the Mavs have the worse team compared to the Hornets?
A: No, you can't say it like that.

FISH: He’s speaking German. So we can’t say it in any way that we can all understand. But I think we get the point. I happen to agree with Holger. … though the Spurs are starting to prove us both wrong.

Q: Did the coach Avery Johnson make mistakes?
A: Hard to say. You can't go too far on that topic. In the end, the coach got fired 24 hours later and maybe there was talk with a new coach before that time. The Mavs felt like they had to take consequences.

FISH: Holger so clams up here that I assume he, too, is a part of the Triangle of Trust gentlemen’s agreement to avoid “mudslogging.’’ (I’m trying to imagine a conversation between Holger and Avery, inasmuch as neither of them exactly speak good English.)

Q: Would the Mavs have a chance to win the title in 2009 with this roster?
A: No, they were lucky that Nowitzki came back so fast after his injury or they wouldn't have made the playoffs. The alternatives are: a new a coach has a certain style and he has the players to implement it, or not. Or, he makes the best out of the players he has.

FISH: Totally lost in translation – not due to the language, but due, I think, to a misunderstanding of the question. The Q is about 2009 (next year). The A is about a week ago.

Q: But both methods didn't work apparently.
A: Maybe a different coach would have a mad a more homogeneous team out of the players - very possible. Maybe that's what the Mavs thought, too.

FISH: Bingo. Though this is the first time the word “homogeneous’’ has ever been used in a basketball conversation.

 Q: The contract situations make trades difficult.
A: You never know, the summer is long...

FISH: OK, Holger is Yoda. Only he should’ve said, “Long is the summer.’’

Q: What position needs an upgrade?
A: It's not our job to think about that. We try to determine what is expected of Dirk and accomplish it. We don't have any demands, with the trades, too. It's not like soccer, where a player says he wants to go, to get a title elsewhere.

FISH: Thank God. Seriously, this attitude is Dirk’s core. A good soldier, that UberMan.

Q: Nowitzki's talked about getting trading himself.
A: He is a professional and knows, that he can be traded any time. He has a contract till 2011, and it's basically just starting because Cuban gave him a 3 year extension 1.5 years ago.

FISH: The interviewer didn’t understand Dirk’s original remarks, which were made out of modesty, not out of disillusionment or because his future is unclear.

Q: What do you think of Rick Carlisle, the next coach of the Mavs?
A: From what I know, he didn't work as a coach the last two years. At least he knows how to handle a difficult situation - he was a coach in Indiana and Detroit.

FISH: Somewhere in here, Holger uses the word “krisengeschüttelt’’ to describe Carlisle. The “krisen…’’ means “crisis.’’ The “geschüttelt’’ part means “proven,’’ “experienced.’’ Point being, Carlisle’s been through the basketball wars. I wish I could ask Holger if he thinks that when Avery was faced with a basketball war. ... he changed hotels.

Q: How should a new Coach use Nowitzki?
A: You have to ask that question the other way around. What does the new coach expect of Nowitzki? Dirk will do everything to implement those wishes.

FISH: I love it. Dirk may be a highly powerful employee around here, a highly valued employee. … but he is NOT the "assistant GM.'' And he is not the coach’s boss. Now, we'll discuss at a later date whether Kidd will ever apply for that job. ...  

Q: Does the early exit influence the road to the Olympics?
A: Not at all, it would have been difficult if the Mavs would have come far in the playoffs. He would have had a very short break. If he is in Germany at the end of next week, we will sit together and make a decent plan. Then we will know what the coach of the national team wants to do, too.

FISH: I don’t care. Just tape your ankles, kid.

Q: Does he have to adapt to the international play?
A: Dirk has to get away from the first step before the dribbling - it's travelling in international play. That is the most important part.

FISH: “Before The Dribbling.’’ Another T-shirt slogan that I’ll never get around to?

Q: What does he do in the break?
A: He doesn't really take a break, he plays tennis. He has some responsibilities with the Mavs, too.

FISH: A world-class athlete who is also a 7-0 tennis player. Where’s my old racquet? I’ll kick his ass.

Q: Did you recommend books to Dirk again?
A: More than he can read. He is half-way interested in reading. Good, that it worked out that way. If someone does a job with such an intensity, he needs a balance.

FISH: May I recommend “Aspire Higher’’?

1121am may 6 2006

Avery Johnson doesn’t like bosses who yell. Some creative (misguided?) folks still want to trade J-Ho. Romessica is writing a love song. And just to be fair, we have some snide nicknames for the incoming coach, too. Time to make the donuts. A baker’s dozen. …

DONUT 1 Avery’s pathetic inability to simply shake Dallas hands and say goodbye continues with this story in the NY Post in which Ben Jobe essentially serves as Avery’s bag man. … er, campaign manager. Take away what you will from it. As I do. …

* Avery thinks somebody ELSE yelled a lot? Hi-larious. (Yet Cuban DOES yell. How dare he!)

* As DB.com has reported exclusively, there was a gentlemen’s agreement between the Mavs and Johnson to avoid 'mudslinging.' (the EXACT word used to explain it to me.) Then came Avery's parting presser, in which he said he wouldn't drag people’s names “through the mud.’’ What, you think the choice of the 'mud' theme was a coincidence? The man simply cannot help himself.

* Avery might indeed be “relieved’’ to be gone, as Ben Jobe told the paper. I wouldn't blame him: High-pressure job, didn't have a fun year, even the players that love him as a person saw he needed to go. “Relieved’’ isn't a bad thing.

*  Of course, Avery apparently has no idea -- assuming that pressure in general is so excruciating to him -- what awaits him in, say, NY or Chicago. You find out about a person’s character when they are in pressure situations. The Lil’ Genital faced pressure as a Dallas coach a few times. Once, under pressure, he inexplicably changed hotels in the middle of the NBA Finals. Later, under pressure, he cancelled a practice before an elimination game in New Orleans.

* If the Post story comes true, and Mr. Jobe’s campaign works, and Avery becomes the Knicks coach (he won’t; but “if’’), I predict, due to the pressure that is New York, coach Avery Johnson's Knicks are going to be switching hotels and cancelling a lot of practices this year.

* Now who is Mr. Ben Jobe again? Oh yeah. He was Avery's coach at Southern, he is the man who is enjoying a rare and deserved moment in the spotlight, and he is the fellow who considers Avery Johnson's future success as The Ben Jobe Legacy.

And he favors Avery's side of a story? Wow. I'm shocked.

DONUT 2 Top Avery Johnson nicknames created by The 75-Member Staff:

*The Miracle Worker

* Cliche-vry Johnson
* The Black Carlisle
* The Lil' Johnson
* Red Auerblack.
* Popovich Went The Weasel

* The Lil’ Genital

* Stay Gone'r Longer
* IvIrI jIhnsIn

DONUT 3 And just so as to be fair and balanced, sure. We’ll make fun of Rick Carlisle, too.

Carlisle is a defensive-minded control freak who reigns in the offense and calls every play?
Fine, says our man RJT.

He's hereby christened “Ivory Johnson.’’

DONUT 4 Four guys on DB.com Boards are also prepared for the Rick Carlisle Era in terms of technology. So we’re all saving our pennies so we can claim a certain web domain. You guessed it.

FIRECARLISLE.COM.

DONUT 5 There is no J-Ho trade in the front of the Mavs’ minds, for reasons we’ve detailed on DB.com in the last week. Now we give you another reason: In Miami, they think they might get Josh in exchange for Udonis Haslem. http://blogs.sun-sentinel.com/sports_basketball_heat/2008/05/no-joshing-when.html

DONUT 6 Congratulations, Stars. Yes, I stayed up ‘til 1:40. My friend Will wants me to write, “The Fourth Was With Them.’’ So I’m writing it.

DONUT 7 My man Dan Shanoff writes sarcastically, “nothing energizes a fan base like hiring a guy who can't win the Eastern Conference.’’ 

 In fairness: In consecutive seasons, Rick Carlisle guided TWO DIFFERENT TEAMS to conference finals berths. Go attack Carlisle for whatever flaws he has. But guiding his teams to contention is not one of them.

DONUT 8 My skillionth effort to prove to you that Jerry Jones is a genius: Hanging around this weekend’s rookie minicamp at Valley Ranch: Emmitt Smith to advise running backs; Roger Staubach to comment on some kids’ character; Barry Switzer to tap the keg.

DONUT 9 For what it’s worth: On Oct. 12, 2007, InsideHoops.com issued its “Available Coach Rankings: http://www.insidehoops.com/coaches.shtml

  (The best jobless coaches).’’ The top six were Jeff Van Gundy, Rick Carlisle, Mike Fratello, Larry Brown, Dwane Casey, Terry Stotts.

If everything goes according to plan, the Mavs will have snapped up three of them.

DONUT 10 I’m not exactly an animal lover; I barely even like people. But I am completely lost on the Eight Belle controversy. Horses run. Don’t they? When horses ran wild 500 years ago, and broke their legs – because horses do run and they do break their ankles and their legs, they just do, don’t they? – what happened to them out in the wild?

So why is a horse being euthanized “inhumane’’ and “uncivilized?

Again, I’m not pretending I know. I’m asking for a horsey education here.

DONUT 11 Every Mavs fan is like me, right? Rooting for CP3 and NO over The 5purs?

DONUT 12 Most of the media outlets in town are now absorbing the facts and figures of DB.com’s largely-exclusive Avery-to-Carlisle coverage into their reports. We’re trying to avoid doing that by giving tidbit credit (hi, Stein!) where it’s due, and by not pretending we don’t know what we don’t. For instance: I have NO IDEA if Dirk really met with Carlisle.  

DONUT 13 Roger Clemens apologizes. While at the same time not really having done anything that wrong. Oh, and the sex with a 15-year-old? “Nothing could be further from the truth,’’ he says, and here’s why The Rocket should stop this: He had sex with Miss McCready at SOME point. Did he wait until she was 17? Maybe 18? Two or three years might make it more legal. But “nothing could be further from the truth’’? When the distance to the truth is two or three years?

1033am may 5 2008

     Hello. My name is David Lord. I was the original president of the Avery Johnson Fan Club. I admit it. I was an Avery-holic.
     I also confess I'm not completely cured. I'm still glad he was the coach of the Mavs. I wish he had been a bit better than he was, but I still think he brought some incredibly needed things to this franchise.
     Before he came, this team was the outsider team, hoping to one day find that Magic Trade or that Magic Player to make them great. Instead of sitting and waiting for that to happen, he introduced a mindset of Why not us? and Why not now? Remember his declarations that if this team didn't win a title in three years, he should be fired? At the time, many derided me for buying in, and told me that was a stupid and unrealistic goal. But I liked it, and I don't hear anyone now saying it was too lofty. Yes, he raised my expectations - and probably yours too. He elevated the standing of this franchise from "good-but-flawed" to "legitimate contender that EXPECTS to win titles" despite never having won one. That's a big step.
     Do I wish he had been able to lead this team farther than he did? Of course. Do I hate the way he regressed as a coach? Yes. Do I deplore the way his ego became so uncontrollable that it -- rather than the well-being of the players, team, or franchise – seems to have eventually become his primary focus? Absolutely. Do I feel disgusted by the classless way he departed by trying to slyly smear and blame everyone else for his failures? Definitely. I've hated having to help set the record straight -- in a way that ultimately but deservedly made him look bad -- when he was screwing up, not listening, and deceitfully blaming others for his mistakes.
     But the fact he raised the bar here in MavsLand is a franchise-altering event for the good, and he took this team to heights never before experienced. So even though he's done his best to cause it with his behavior the last few days, and even though I humbly submit that DallasBasketball.com deserves an award for its coverage of the coaching change, I'm already tired of the Avery-bashing. I hope he does well in his future endeavors and that he learns a few things (especially how to accept input from others, and humility).
     Now he's gone, and it's over. Avery left with flaws, but I have to be honest and admit I have some too. I'm not completely cured. I still appreciate the good times he brought, and I'm ready to move forward.

1109am may 4 2008

     Somebody go prop up Bissinger and shove a Prozac up his dark abcess. Somebody rent a forklift to elevate Conlin from his deathbed. Somebody instruct Costas to stand up. (Oh, he already is standing up? Never mind.)

     I’ll tell you why “traditional media’’ – the art form at which I’ve hacked around for 28 years and which has afforded me the ability to put no children through college – is dying. It’s not because gas is as expensive as a Tony Romo night of Blackjack or because we’re now citizens of an Idiocracy or because the evil blogosphere is one big Axe commercial that makes vixens take off their wet blouses when in the alluring midst of drunken NFL quarterbacks.

     Really, it’s not just because the internet is “better.’’ It’s because “traditional media’’ is worse.

     I give you Chris Mannix of Sports Illustrated, who I’m certain is a fine young chap. Look at his mugshot: Brains and mousse, I’m sure he’s got it all upstairs.

     And he’s using his massive platform (and SI’s legendary good name) to offer insight on the changing Mavs landscape.

     Which would be terrific – hey, he’s Sports Illustrated! What source wouldn’t answer that phone call? – if not for the fact that Mannix is so misinformed that virtually every opinion he offers is without basis. And obviously, without that phone call.

     I mean it. Dude gets virtually EVER SINGLE TAKE in his column back-ass-wards.
     For instance:

     SI: “Avery Johnson was not fired as head coach of the Dallas Mavericks because his relationship with owner Mark Cuban had soured. If Johnson were winning championships, he could have talked to Cuban the way Billy Walsh of Entourage talked to E and the Mavericks owner wouldn’t have blinked.’’

     That is indisputably wrong. Avery has even said so. The relationship between Avery and EVERYBODY had soured. (P.S.: I’ll handle the vacuous pop-culture references around here, buddy boy.)

     SI: “Nor was Johnson shown the door because he clashed philosophically with point guard Jason Kidd.’’

     That is indisputably wrong. Avery has deviously implied so. Dirk has guilelessly come out and said so.

     SI: “He may not be the only one leaving Dallas. … Those changes could include Dirk. … After years of steadfastly standing by his star, Cuban (who once refused to include Dirk in any deal with the Lakers for Shaquille O’Neal) may be willing to seriously entertain offers.’’

     To paraphrase Elaine Benes as she recalled her orgasmic experiences with Jerry, “Fake. … Fake. … Fake. …’’

     1) Those changes will not include Dirk. 2) There was never a turn-down of a Dirk-for-Shaq offer because there was never an offer. 3) “Seriously entertain offers’’? Everything is fluid. All things are possible. But. … 4) no, those changes will not include Dirk.

     SI: “Could a package of Nowitzki and a future first-round pick for Shawn Marion and the Heat’s choice entice Pat Riley? Could the Mavs throw in, say, Brandon Bass and get the deal done?’’

     Mannix thinks Dallas would trade Dirk for Marion? And would use Bass as a “throw-in’’? I wish Chris Mannix and I were in the same Fantasy League.

      SI: “What about Memphis? Would it package a Derrick Rose/Michael Beasley pick with Mike Miller and salary filler for Nowitzki?’’

     Would it ever, Chris! Here’s a game I love to play to straighten out foggy-headed trade-happy fanboys: If Dirk were available in this draft, how high would he go?

     End of discussion.

     SI: “The Mavs may also get creative in replacing Johnson. ...it wouldn't surprise me to see Cuban make a big-money bid for Duke's Mike Krzyzewski or Michigan State's Tom Izzo.’’

     Again, anything is possible. I could lose weight. Cuban could own every franchise in sports. (He’d win that elusive title!) Roger Clemens, having had sex with everybody’s daughter and everybody’s wife, starts having sex with the fathers and the husbands! (Hellloooo, Mr. Daly!)

     Hey, let’s trade Dirk to Michican State for Izzo!
     Anything is possible. But “probabilities’’ are easier to determine if a reporter (“traditional media’’ or not) actually reads up, studies up. Asks around. You know, screw it. Don’t read some techno-rage called “DallasBasketball.com’’  to bone up on something called “Dallas Basketball.''

     Instead. …

     I can virtually promise Chris Mannix that if he calls Donnie or emails Cuban, and tells them it’s Sports Illustrated on the line, he will get a response. They are both savvy, and available, that way.
      Or hell, email any random Mavs fan. I’ve got, like, 11,000 lounging around here at any given time. (Can you moochers at least take your own dishes to the sink?)

     Seriously, how does one get a job at SI to write about the Mavs – to write about hires and fires and people’s lives -- and then obviously not phone one team exec, one player, one local media member, one FAN for God's sake, so you can go, “Hey, what's the word down there on maybe hiring a college coach?’’ And then Chef Ed or Techsan or Flame can be his source and say, “No, Chris, don’t write that. You’ll be way off. Everybody's already on record as saying that’s not the plan. Don’t write it. You’ll look stupid. And lazy.’’

     This isn’t Deadspin (“Without Access, Favor or Discretion’’) we’re talking about, you know. That’s one brilliant thing. This should be another brilliant thing. This is SPORTS FUCKING ILLUSTRATED. Or what is left of it.

     See, even though part of me is “new media’’ (and ain’t I shiny?), I still hand-crank it out the old-fashioned way. For me, the only way. Though one of these days I oughta trade in the scribbled-on bar napkins for one of them new-fangled tape-recordin’ things, reporting at its best (yes, I’m talking about me!) is still. …

     Reporting.

     Maybe I’m grumpy from sleep-deprivation., though for three days I’ve been fighting it off by suckling at the majestic teat of My Diet-Red Bull-and-Grey Goose Nursemaid. But that “Under The Bus’’ story? That “The Miracle Worker’’ story? That “The Short List’’ story? They were all part of a day-long/get-something-to-eat/kiss-the-kids-goodnight/cuss-the-ex-wife/write-from-midnight-to-5-a.m. marathon. My fingertips are a-barkin’ and I’ve got bedsores from working while supine on my mom’s basement futon!

    Do you feel sorry for me yet? Would you prefer I Mannixed my way through it and just made stuff up? Can you at least send me the 20 bucks you bastards owe me?

    Anyway, go tell it to the Kings of Sports Information: It’s not about “traditional journalism’’ vs. “new journalism.’’

     It’s about bad journalism vs. good journalism.

     Now toddle off and fetch me one of Bissinger’s anal Prozacs. (Unused preferred.) And when he’s not looking, bring me his Pulitzer, too.

544pm may 2 2008

  Free-form. Free-wheeling. Free-for-all. Free-of-charge. …

   DIRK VS. AVERY: We start with Randy Galloway’s well-crafted and insightful column on Avery’s departure – and how the was kinda orchestrated by Dirk.  It’s a blockbuster, really. Now, it’s Randy writing while Avery dictates, of course, but there’s nothing wrong with that. And Ol’ Randy might be keeping his guy Avery in too many layers of bubblewrap here.

   Still, the column offers Avery’s perspective. And even with its biases, it rings of lots of truth.

   Randy’s accusation that it was Dirk, not Avery, who didn’t understand the concept of “partnership’’ spins like $500 hubcap. Gallo’s labeling of the notion that Avery lost the team as “garbage’’ seems overprotective in light of the fact that Avery himself now even admits to the non-crime. Gallo’s claim that “Dirk is the power broker in all this’’ is … well, we all – you, me,     Randy – have spent a decade begging Dirk to “step up.’’

   And if Randy’s right. … Dirk has stepped up to help run off a coach who was out of gas.

P.S.: And here’s a question for all of us, fans and media, who have our loyalties, our connections, our friends and our favorites: If it did come down to “Dirk vs. Avery,’’ which side are you on?

   Mr. Randy?

   POWER-MAD DIRK: We’ll know for sure that The UberMan has gone all Avery-level-power-crazy on us all if today the Mavs hold a press conference to announce that the new head coach of your Dallas Mavericks is … Holger.

   Calm down. That’s sarcasm.

   ON CREDIBILITY: Donnie, Cuban, Dirk, Marc Stein, Chuck Cooperstein (if you listen very closely) and that dolt Fish are all now singing pretty much the same tune.

Even if you think I should be booted of “A-Maverick-an Idol,’’ you really want to boot off that whole chorus?

   Really, just because I’ll never be as smooth and successful and talented as noted balla Jean-Jacques Taylor doesn’t mean squirrel can’t find occasional nut.

   COACH DONNIE: He’d be great. He doesn’t want it. If they get all the way down their list, all the way down to Mike Fratello waaaaay down there, and the Mavs don’t have a coach, Donnie will be the good soldier and fill the role. And his locker room will dig that.

   Another P.S., to the national media: When you are trying to look smart and insightful about Donnie Nelson, do not write that he’s “Don Jr.’’ Dad’s birthname is “Donald’’; son’s birthname is “Donn.’’ No “junior’’ possible.

   I know, I know. Big Nellie’s a weirdo, huh?! I'm gonna name my next son "Mikke.''

   GO (DOWN) PISTONS!: Knowing that Flip has such sound credentials, but that he’s not presently on the Mavs’ short list, don’t you kind of wish Detroit would hurry up and lose so Flip COULD be on the list?

   BETS ON D’ANTONI: At midnight last night, I was willing to bet any amount of money that Mike Dan Tony would be breaking up with Phoenix today. PLEASE BET ME! Baby needs new shoes!

   ‘A SABOTEURING A-HOLE’: In a fit and free of self-editing constraints because I wrote it on DB.com Boards instead of on the oh-so-journalistically-sound front page, I referred to Avery as ‘a saboteuring a%&hole.’’

   I meant it only because he left town attempting to destroy Kidd and everybody associated with the Kidd trade.

   But now, after reading Randy’s column, it goes double.

   Kidd sucks(!) and Dirk’s disloyal(!)

   Sad that Avery has pretty much carved those words onto his own Dallas gravestone.

   SEFKO AND JVG: Eddie Sefko with a fine piece of insight into Jeff Van Gundy not wanting the job. I’ll stick with my belief that he could/should still have a free lunch on Tony Cubes before shutting the door. But I’m also thinking that Eddie and JVG are old Rockets guys, that Eddie is a sly old fox, and that his pipeline to JVG might be pretty direct.

    THE CAINE MUTINY: I’ve used the reference all year. You young people have apparently spent the whole year not getting the joke. Do some friggin’ research! The strawberries! The ball bearings! The mutiny! Kids, it’s not all about “Forgetting Sarah Marshall,’’ men foofing their nuts and berries and whatnot, OK?

    Damn kids nowadays.

   THE MAVS’ GHOSTS: Will Avery do well elsewhere? Of course, because as Richie Whitt points out, every ex-Mav ALWAYS does well.

   AVERY WITH A YOUNG TEAM?: On the surface, it sounds viable. He says “jump,’’ and all that. And, ask any man who’s ever re-married: You are a better husband the second time around. (Or in my case, maybe someday, the seventh.)
   However, national media people who make this assumption (Legler, I’m looking at you, punk) have clearly not taken a hard look at this. Ask Mavs staffers if they think Avery is a “developer of young talent.’’ Ask Devin. Ask all the 35-year-olds sitting in the middle of the bench.

   A MIKE DAN TONY STAFF: Well, that’s three guys right there.

   Yes, he could hire a “defensive coordinator.’’ But D’Antoni’s got a staff, it includes his brother, and blood is thicker than Del Harris’ gorgeous hair.

   I think Del Harris is leaving us.

   Del, we hardly knew ye.

   Well, actually, WE knew ye.

   Avery hardly knew ye.

   ‘MY ORGANIZATIONAL BLUEPRINT’: Hey will somebody down at AAC hustle up the hill to the Ritz-Carlton and double-check Avery’s baggage? ‘Cause I’d sure hate for him to sneak outta town with the all-important “My Organizational Blueprint.’’

    Doesn’t that sound Kindergarden’y? Like, “My First Chapter Book’’ or, “My Everybody Poops Coloring Book’’?

   FISH INTENSITY: So why, I’m asked, am I putting so much effort into these stories to fill space on this humble website? Let me count the ways:

lots of reasons for me to be telling these stories.
1. It's making me wealthy beyond my wildest dreams.
2. The arrogant ass that I was, am and apparently always will be enjoys the journalistic competition.
3. Truth Good. Lies Bad.
4. It's not Vikings season yet. I'm bored.
5. I don’t golf.
6. Hearing my name mentioned on the radio is a Norm-gasmic experience.

7. Maybe discussing what was wrong will make it less likely that the mistakes will be repeated.

   On a related note: If I knew how to work my damn camera phone, I’d take a picture of all the bar napkins with all the scribbles.

   Bill Ingram uses cameras and recorders and time machines and wind tunnels.

   I use bar napkins.

   MORE GOOD WORK BY RANDY: David Lord hands me this exchange between Ol’ Randy and Donnie on the radio yesterday:

   Paraphrased Q: Are you saying you were mostly against the Kidd trade? (Gallo seems to be leading Donnie in an anti-Kidd, pro-Avery direction)
   DONNIE: No not at all, I was absolutely in favor of it. … We do everything together. There isn't a (personnel) decision that was made that 3 people didn't check off on....Mark, Avery, and myself. When we leave the smoky room, it's unanimous or we don't go forward."
   Q, paraphrased: Avery seemed to us to imply that he might have been against the Kidd trade. He was for it?
   DONNIE: (verbatim): "Yeah. We were unanimous. We're together or we don't do it."

   That’s how the relationship, the organizational chart, has always been described to me, and then last night, I was informed that if there was any real reluctance to pull off the Kidd trade, it was by Donnie, and it was over Diop being a part of it.

   See, sometime we all have to drop our agendas and drop our swords and just LISTEN.

   TOUGH TO GET PAST: Here’s where I’m spinning my wheels (and thus “slamming the mud,’’ as Johnson said in his final-but-glorious “Cliché’vry’s Down-Home Crackerbarrel Cajun Malaprops”: Let’s pretend he WAS against the trade.

   That makes his parting shots even less excusable. It makes him MORE of a dick.

   Either way, Avery lying or Avery truthing, he’s being a dick.

   THE AVERY CAMP IN KNOTS: As the few fine folks left in the Avery Camp scramble to untwist their allegiances (“Wait. … If I’m FOR Avery, now I have to be AGAINST Dirk? Oh SHIT!!’’) … I give you the following:

   An Avery presser quote: “Before we made the trade, I talked to Mark and Donnie. I said: 'Hey, I've got to get a point guard.' That's why I wanted to develop Devin Harris.’’

   Got it? When Avery said that, I wrote it in my notebook, exactly like that.
   Then I got home, dug through the bar napkins, read my doodlings, and figured he meant:

   “Before we made the trade, I talked to Mark and Donnie. I said: 'Hey, I've GOT a point guard.'    That's why I wanted to develop Devin Harris.’’

   Note the diff. See my confusion?

   See Avery’s confusion, quite possibly, as he catches himself in his own icky web?

   Before they made the trade, Avery probably DID say,
   'Hey, I've GOT to GET a point guard.'
   GET a point guard.
   Think about it: Why would he say, 'Hey, I've GOT to GET a point guard'  -- and he himself claims he said -- if he already had the prizes PG he now claims he wanted all along in Devin?
   Keep untwisting, Avery Camp.

   IF NOT EARLY, EVER: A 75-Member Staffer turns me on to this, which we believe to be true: If a coach doesn’t win a title in his first few years, he NEVER wins one with that team.

Think back. Take a mental inventory. Sound about right?

   THE MAVS’ CORE: In their words, “Dirk, Kidd, Josh and Bass.’’ That doesn’t mean there aren’t other pieces. Damp and Jet are pieces (but they’re tough to move). ‘Course, that’s still only six guys.

   Nine more and we got ourselves a team.

   AVERY VS. NELLIE: Why am I so mad about Avery but only sad about Nellie’s departure? Because Nellie’s faults were obvious. You knew what you were getting into. You knew he would built it, you knew he would grow uncomfortable with being the overdog, you knew he’s play a lot of golf, you knew he’s feign retirement, you knew he’d eventually try to escape with    Fort Knox.

   Nellie’s attempts at craftiness were predictable. And crafty.

   Avery’s attempts at craftiness were less predictable. And clumsy.

   A PICTURE IS WORTH. …: Sick of my 1,000 words? Enjoy Bob Sturm’s one picture.

   “WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD ANYBODY BE ANGRY WITH ME?’’ I just love writing those words.

   BEATLEMANIA: Here comes old friend Wally Lynn with this fake-deep submission:

   Play “Yesterday” by the Beatles as the music bed. Josh Howard is John Lennon. Josh changes his major to religion after 9-11 to try and better understand why we kill each other in the name of a higher being. Josh, in his Psychedelic Phase, misses shots on purpose because he thinks this is the darkness to the light.

   Mavs fans can only hope because Lennon won’t be traded for pennies on the dollar. Like, for Keith Richards. 

   Wally’s gone all obtuse on me! And I’m still trying to figure out who is the Walrus?

   THE DARJEELING LIMITED: I’m stealing this from one of The 75-Member Staff: “Look for Dirk’s offseason to be turned into a Wes Anderson film.’’ I might add that Owen Wilson could almost portray Dirk. … minus the suicide attempt, please.

   (There, Wally. I just obtused you and raised you. Volley for serve?)

   THE WRONG RICK: Somebody with a press pass just wrote that Rick Pitino is a candidate for the Dallas job. (No. I won’t link). REVOKE THAT PRESS PASS!

   THE ROCKET: No, not the NBA team. The baseball pitcher. Who apparently spent the 1990’s thinking he was a member of the Dallas Cowboys. And is spending the ‘00’s thinking he’s a big fat Charlie Sheen.

   WHO MADE WHOM?: Did Dirk win Avery his Coach of the Year Award? Or did Avery win Dirk his MVP?

   Discuss.

   SPEAKING OF SEX WITH YOUNG TEENAGE GIRLS: Forgive me for what I’m about to say. … but I wonder how cool Clemens and Karl Malone would be with their actions if Clemens has sex with Malone’s 13-year-old daughter and Malone impregnates Clemens’ 13-year-old daughter.

   Y’all cool with that? OK. Just checking.

   IN THE MIDDLE: Randy’s one on side. I’m on the other. Take a moment to check out the even-handed Kevin Sherrington,  who gets what I’m saying. … but just says it very politely, with words like “disingenuous.’’

   The otherwise clueless reporter might have the first name right, though.

   EIGHT SIMPLE RULES: Actually, let me just cover One Simple Rule in how I run this joint: The more you win, the more I like (or at least tolerate) you. I hated Jimmy Jenius. A bad person. But I hated him less when he went 13-3 than when he went 1-15.

   I’ve been friendly over the years with NFL coaches you’ve heard of like Dave Wannstedt, Dennis Green, Dave Campo, Jason Garrett, Norv Turner, Brian Stewart, Joe Avezzano, Jack Del Rio, John Fox, Dan Reeves, George Seifert, Butch Davis. … but hell, when they quit succeeding, it didn’t matter that I liked ‘em. I could separate the two issues. And if THEY couldn’t separate our jobs from our friendship, then they were crappy friends.

    Meanwhile, I say that if you are going to go 1-15, or going to be ousted in the first round two straight years, or are going to get fired. … take it like a man.

    You will be less hated for having lost.

   JOSH’S HIGH POINTS: Bad puns aside – I’m such a square that when I make pot-reference jokes, I have to check all references on Wikipedia – if you think Josh Howard (and many other NBA players) only smoke in the offseason you’re straight trippin’.

   AVERY’S HIGH POINTS: I want to remember them. I want to cherish them. Avery orchestrated a lot of them, and hey, winning 67 isn’t going to happen around here in forever and next year’s Mavs damn sure aren’t going to be favored to go to the NBA Finals.

   So thanks for that, Avery.

   Randy, will you pass him my message?

1108am may 2 2008

   As you may have heard, it was Josh Howard’s birthday last weekend.

   I think he just turned 14.

   “That's new news to me,’’ fibbed Josh during Wednesday’s “exit interviews’’ when asked if his partying ways are the reason Avery blew up in a way that led to a players-only practice.

   “I’m not a bad person,’’ he added, and my face was inches away from his (I think Channel 8’s George Riba was shoving me from behind) so I could look right into his big, sad, brown (red?) eyes. So I said to him something like, “Josh, do you realize this isn’t about people thinking you’re a ‘bad person.’ This is about you making a mistake, and another mistake, and maybe another mistake. …’’

   And then off J-Ho went, talking about how those problems should be allowed to be tucked behind him, about how much he thinks about those problems (“not much’’) and about this was really all about simply “(making) the shots that I've been making.’’

    “They went up and just hit the side of the rim or went in and out,’’ Josh said, truly incredulous at being asked these absurd questions. “You can't control what the ball do. It’s crazy, man. Y'all hilarious.’’

   Yes, it is. It’s crazy, man. We’all HI-larious.

   Fo’ shizzle.

   Josh Howard is an All-Star-caliber talent. He was born with some of it, he developed lots of it through hard work, and he was coached to some of it by the departing Avery Johnson, who talked today about how tight his relationship is with Howard.

     “I’m really close to Josh and I hope he really gets his game going to that next level and get himself together because he’s a talented young man,’’ said Avery, adding that “the future is bright for him. … But again, this window closes on you pretty quickly as a player with the wrong move.’’

   (Note: We've been urging Avery to get J-Ho's head screwed on straight all the way back to Feb. 27. Oh well.)

   Some of Josh’s recent behavior represents “the wrong move.’’ So, though, would trading him.

   Dallas does NOT need to swap Josh Howard; his value is at an all-time low. (Though in the unlikely event that this Milwaukee website is right, seen by me via MavsMoneyball, I’ll take Michael Redd phone calls right now.)

   Rather, they need to FIX Josh Howard, something we’ve been writing for weeks. Among the ways to fix him?

    Media counseling, drug counseling, and counseling counseling.